Is Your Marketing Strategy Better Than This? A Lesson from a Lantern.

Driver Jatt

Is Your Marketing Strategy Better Than This? A Lesson from a Lantern.

Picture this. The day has come to an end. I’m about to go for a wee walk to stretch those legs. That’s when I see this lamp-looking lantern thing. Looks rather nice. I get closer. Something isn’t right. Why does the light bulb seem to be so dark? I should take a closer look.

This is the bit I regret.

Sometimes, my own curiosity and ‘need’ to explore does me absolutely no favours at all. I leaned in, peering into the glass. The bulb was dark because it was shrouded by a thick, sticky, perfectly engineered web. And in the centre of that web, a consortium of spiders was calmly feasting on a haul of trapped flies. I jumped back a foot. My peaceful evening walk had turned into a scene from a nature documentary, narrated by my own yelp.

I mean… well, let’s look at it another way.

The Ultimate Marketing Funnel, Courtesy of Nature

I had just come across the most effective marketing strategy in existence. A perfect funnel is laid for potential punters (flies, drawn to the light). They enter, then find themselves trapped by a sticky web, surrounded by four glass walls (the lantern). Inside, a dedicated team (the spiders) is hellbent on keeping them there. And then, they consume them.

Impressive, eh? These spiders have absolutely nailed it. They’ve secured their meals and terrified a 6ft giant in the process. Talk about a captive audience.

In reality, I came across a bunch of scary-looking spider folk feasting on a load of flies. But the metaphor is too good to ignore.

Now, before all the marketing professionals kick the fook out of me for comparing them to spiders, just zoom out. Add some cliche words like “think outside the box” and take a bit of inspiration from nature. See how you can apply it. Create your own irresistible light. Build your own efficient, sticky funnel. Assemble a team that knows how to close the deal. It’s all there, in a garden lantern.

The Part Where I Admit What I’m Actually Good At

So, if you need assistance or free advice on crafting marketing strategies that work, based on arachnid tactics or otherwise, I am categorically not your man. My expertise lies elsewhere.

If, however, you need something delivered – a parcel, a package, an urgent envelope that absolutely must get from A to B today – then I am your man. 🫡

While the spiders have mastered the art of the funnel, I’ve mastered the art of the road. I know how to navigate from Birmingham to a business park in Solihull without getting caught in the rush hour web. I understand the urgency of a last-minute delivery for a client presentation, and I’ve got the map of the Midlands in my head to make it happen.

No sticky webs, no tricks. Just a reliable van, a clear route, and a commitment to get your stuff where it needs to go. That’s my strategy. And it works.